Leave the light on...

I feel as if in the past two years my life has drastically changed. I used to be mostly alone, interacting with a very select few and now school has crashed into my very private life. I now have a class of 105 intruding and prodding into what was kept under wraps. Its all been quite a shock.

I guess it has been this that has been one of the hardest adjustments. The vulnerability that I feel of others judging. It has made me want to either hermit crab more or lash out anytime I hear gossip. But this is how I am. That doesn't mean everyone is like me.

The only person that I really truly talked to before was Chris, my ex. Sadly school was the final straw that ended that relationship. I also used to have a great psychologist back in Orange but sadly that got left back there as well. I miss Orange so much as well, and that has now been replaced by Pomona. So now all I have is my family whom I feel doesn't understand my new trials and tribulations.

All this change has hardened me and left me wondering if this career will be worth it. I haven't even started working and I am already cynical about all that it has taken. Thankfully I will not be left with as much of debt as many others in my situation. Yet I feel it slowly taking all that I once loved. I feel it taking my sanity. I feel it taking my soul. I feel it taking my kindness.

I want to go back to being naive. I want to go back to believing that if a puppy comes in stumbling that it has a chance instead of suspecting the worst. I want to go back to believing in fairytales of true love. I want to go back to isolation where I didn't care about how I appeared to others. I want to go back...

Why do I feel like I made a mistake in following my heart? Will it get better?


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