Second Year of Vet School Meditations
When you have a dream, a goal in mind, its easy to fall into the daily routine of striving for it. Some think those are the hardest days, the days of work, the days that fly by.
Personally I believe that time flies when you're having fun. As long as you're enjoying what you're doing then the journey seems effortless. Falling into the state of "flow" is bliss.
The lost days are the most difficult days. The days without goals, the days without ambitions.
As mentioned before I envisioned a future several years ago and strove for it. It pushed me to look past the pain, the difficulties. But now that the passion in my profession is lost and my relationship has deteriorated, I feel lost in my future.
I envisioned myself working as a veterinarian saving puppies' lives. Sadly this won't happen often. School has dehumanized me to see puppies not as bundles of joy but as work. Each puppy brings with it possibilities of congenital issues, parasites that it may house and other illnesses it may attain. Now you may say that my outlook is pessimistic but we are taught to think critically. In order to help theres a balance of pessimism and optimism that we strive for.
I envisioned a future in my relationship as well. Marriage, a colonial style house with a red door, maybe some kids. During the process of getting into school I devalued the important people in my life. Selfishly I put my ambitions over relationships. My ego and pride over what I was accomplishing possibly contributed to the demise of my relationship.
Sadly there is no way to turn back time. I am trying my best to learn from this experience. I hope to become better from this. To not hurt anyone, including myself, in the process. I hope that others learn from my mistakes but if you're anything like me, you will have to go through the pain yourself before the lesson sticks.
I wish there was one main lesson I could pull away from this. But there isn't. Its been a process of discovery. I am just trying to embrace it all and heal. Sharing my story helps so thank you for reading.