A Letter To My Anxiety

Hello Anxiety,

I wish I wasn't saying hello to you again, but you are always around. Buzzing around in the back of my mind. Flitting from one thought to the next. You keep me from focusing on what needs to get accomplished. You keep me from being at my best. You keep me tossing and turning at the end of the day deep into the night. You make me wake up gasping for air in the darkness from a gut wrenching nightmare. In the mornings you make me ruminate on what I need to do, on what I am forgetting, constantly not letting me be in the present moment. Why won't you just let me be?

Anxiety, sometimes I think you are my friend. You are comforting at times. Like a bad habit, I will turn to you in times of need. I will wrap you around me like a blanket and let you keep me warm, even though I know you are no good for me. You are a blanket of fire that will leave burns all over my body.

Anxiety, you tire me out. You wear on me, day in and day out. I put up a front for others that I do not have you and it takes a toll. I put up a front for myself as well. If I do not, you overtake me. You consume me. I become you and lose myself. Anxiety, I am not you.

Anxiety, you make me want to cry, yell and not speak all at once. Anxiety... What have you done to me? And yet what would I be without you?

Anxiety, I just don't know.

Sincerely,

Me

I just want to play with toys again...

Can I have this operation?

Tentative dx: Bad boy broke teddy's heart heart.
Fear needs to be replaced with curiosity.

What is the prognosis? Hopeful...

Cocoon of No Self

Self-doubt is painful. It is crippling. Did I do well enough? Am I going to be good enough? Etc..etc..?  The solution is simple. Look outside. Look beyond the self. That is why it is called self-doubt. Without the self it doesn't exist. Look where you can help. Look where you are needed. Then you will no longer exist. You will get lost in duty.  When you find yourself again the self doubt might no longer be. It might emerge as self-confidence and self-esteem.

I wouldn't yet know I am still in the development coccoon, hopefully to emerge on the other side.

Break Free

Let go of everything that doesn't bring you peace of mind

Let go of comparison, it TRULY is the thief of joy. In anything it won't leave you feeling better or any closer on accomplishing to what you want. Whether it is a relationship, money, or accomplishments.

Let go of anger. You can feel it but do not ruminate on it.

Let go of sadness. Again, feel it but do not keep coming back to it in order to feel something. You are not a victim. You are the writer of your own destiny. GO!

Let go of not holding yourself accountable. You are responsible for yourself. Stop making excuses. You know better. Really you do.

Let go of anything that doesn't serve to better you. Think about whatever these may be? It could be harmful relationships that you could be holding on to because you are afraid of being alone. Or it could be a bad job because you do not think yourself worthy of following your passion. It could be a bad habit that you know you should quit but you do not feel yourself strong enough of breaking.

Let go of these misconceptions, they are in your mind. Break free...

Wide awake, why am I awake?

A simple sorry can lift a huge weight. Speaking from your heart can do wonders. When things are simple, they are pure. Clearing away the tangled webs of ego and pride can be healing. Often times it can take drastic events to make you realize what is important. Family, friends, love, memories. Don't grasp on to the past, you can't change it. Plan for the future but don't obsess about it, it hasn't come. Be here in the now. Enjoy the now, whatever you are doing, with whomever you are with. 

Step One

I know that feeling. You have to do something. You have to change something radically, because you can’t stay like you are for another second, or you’re going to explode.
-Jennifer Echols

Its exam time and I should be spending my time studying or sleeping or doing anything else except this but I have itching to let my feelings flow.

I am struggling with just being. I constantly feel my heart pull this way and that. Its frustrating and I admit I've been out of practice catching myself. I've been giving in to my every whim. No thought or very little of it behind my actions. Now that I am trying to give my mind a little more room its a little disheartening. I see myself trying to bury pain with things or people or activities. And I know these can be good things but there is a constant flurry of activity just trying to prevent myself from thinking. Trying to prevent myself from feeling. There is no internal peace that I can come back to rest on. There is no ground for everything to stand on. Which is why everything always comes crumbling down. 

I am not sure what I am trying to say here. Maybe that I want to find solid footing again. I don't know how to begin or if I will. Maybe this is the first step.  

On heartbreak...

I sit here ruminating on my first, genuine regret.
I spent the last few months running from my heartbreak and now it has hit me full force.
I guess I should have known better.

I can feel myself going through the various stages of grief: bargaining, depression, anger.
I wish I had a quick-fix solution but I don't.
I am just going to sit through it. Feel it. Maybe I will learn from it and grow. I sure hope I do.
And for now I will work on the most important relationship in my life, the one with myself.
And hopefully when the time is right love will find me again.