Mad Katter

Oh gosh!!

 

I'm Late, I'm Late
for a very important date,
No time to say hello, goodbye,
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late

and when I wave,
I lose the time I save.
My fuzzy ears and whiskers
took me too much time to shave.

I run and then I hop, hop, hop,
I wish that I could fly.
Theres danger if I dare to stop
and heres the reason why,

(you see) I'm overdue.
I'm in a rabbit stew,
Cant even say goodbye, hello,
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

My last post was more than two years ago... In it I wrote about constantly running into a wall, regrouping, and scary but good changes. And boy did I make them happen. Two and some years ago I was honestly a wreck. I was pursuing med school although it was the last thing I wanted to do. Then came the summer of change.

And here I am two and some years later going to vet school. No, I did not mistype, I said vet. Yet here I am again blogging.

Maybe it might be the loneliness I feel while being surrounded by others. Maybe its to clear my head. Maybe its to chronicle my fights. Maybe its all of those and a little more.

I am now in my second eight week block. I am not sure how I survived (and apparently triumphed during midterms) the first eight weeks. But I did despite at certain points thinking I was going to drop out.

I still have my doubts, no doubt, but that voice is a bit more muffled. I am not sure if it will ever go away actually. This is a bit of a change given the passion that burned to get me here. That fire that initially ignited when I decided to pursue this dream drove all the madness out. Which in a way just made me that much madder.

I do feel that I am coming into myself again. Slowly thawing, like an ice cube left out. Which is ironic given how just now this hellish desert is finally start to cool down.

Looking back at my old posts I see that I am fighting the same demons. Except they stepped their game up. But then again so have I.

Heres to hoping that I blog more. Here is to getting stronger a bit more each day through this journey. Like a muscle, I must be torn a little more each day and through this pain be built.

Rethink

"You can never plan the future by the past. "

 We return to the known constantly, it is safe and it feels just right even if it isn't. Constantly persevering, trying again and again, to no avail. If something doesn't work, just stop. Rethink, regroup then redo. In the best case scenario actions without wisdom go to waste, worst case someone else end up getting hurt.

 I've reached a certain kind of tiredness analogous to running into a wall with the hopes of bringing it down yet not getting anywhere. The intent is there but the right actions aren't. Here's to hoping that changes are made, right changes, scary as they might be because now is the time. Putting it off until tomorrow won't make it go away.

Perspective

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Happiness

A man said to the Buddha, "I want Happiness."
Buddha said, first remove "I", that's ego,
then remove "want", that's desire.
See now you are left with only Happiness.

What a simple story, to say anything about it would be ruining the masterpiece. Hence I will move on to how things have been with me. Although I can't say too much since it feels like a constant flow of days, an uninterrupted life. Which is nice since there has been so little "I" in that equation, there is just life as it is. Hope to keep it.

Just Stop.

Usually I advocate action, it is what keeps us moving forward. Action is what brings about change. Yet unnecessary action may just be another form of fulfillment, just another way to run. Whatever you are running from, say it be the past, the future, or yourself, take a moment and just stop. Feel that habitual reaction rise up, become comfortable being uncomfortable, take a moment and after letting it wash over you, you may then act. So just stop. Feel. Don't run, running from yourself doesn't work since you're always right there to catch up. Face yourself, don't fight, befriend the fear.

Shadow Shifts

"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it is dark."

But in order to step out of your own shadow you need to face it first.

Levels

One of the worst feelings has to be feeling stuck. My dentist and the surgeon I shadow coincidentally enough are both a fan of Einstein's definition of insanity, "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That is what being in a rut is like. Trying and trying over and over again but not getting what you want. Then slowly you become frustrated that there are no results. Essentially it is like walking around in a circle. Pointless and tiring. The only solution is change, to try something different. The same energy used previously is used up only by doing something different a different outcome is reached. It may take several attempts to find a solution, do not fret, a solution is out there and you can only find it if you look then try and try and try again some more. Best of luck to you to face that change.