Onwards

The end of this year is fast approaching and it has been a year of adventure, growth, and change. I hope that the next year will continue as such. I am looking forward to all that it continues to bring. Cautious optimism.

While it is good to look forward to things, there is always the joy of the journey.  While in Australia I got extremely homesick and started yearning coming back to California. This depleted the pleasure of the moment and thankfully I was able to realize that. All it took was a conscious change in attitude, a reframing of the mind, so to speak. This can be done in any circumstance where there is suffering. Realize that you are suffering. Source out a why behind the suffering. There may often not even be a why behind the suffering, but the validation alone is often enough. Then change your perspective.

If you cannot change the circumstance, you can change how you think about it.

Dangerous Love

This past weekend has been spent surrounded by very inspiring individuals. Makers, do-ers, discoverers, searchers. And yet all so humble. I suppose that is what drives the medical profession, or scientists in general. We are usually never satisfied.

Right now I am frustrated at myself with my lack of motivation and inspiration. With my lack of purpose. It feels pointless and frustrating to live like this. A life with purpose is everything. Find purpose and you have everything. Purpose can always change. But to live without it is meaningless. It is a waste.

I know that I will find purpose again, however, right now I am in limbo. I know that I should be studying for the NAVLE, which I am. But that is purpose in itself. There is no passion behind it. Purpose should be self-driven. You cannot help but think about it. You cannot help but obsess about it. I want to find that something again. My dangerous love, where are you??

Want

For some reason, lately I've been seeing wanting as weakness. To want something too much puts excessive expectation into the matter. Hope for a job, a relationship, or any other result can often lead to disappointment. But harboring too much non-attachment is also no way to live. A balance should be sought and letting go should be practiced. However establishing and adjusting that balanced tightrope walk can be truly difficult. When do you know when to let go or when to hold on a little more? When does wanting something become harmful instead of uplifting?

Breathe

Ah to breathe again is a blessing. I am trying to cleanse myself from the misdeeds of the summer, from all that was seen, from all that was lost. A time to process, meditate and let the dust settle before life sends me on another run. I see now how life comes in waves. At moments they engulf me to the point where I feel that I cannot swim and will surely drown. However it always settles, and I come up for more air. Right now I am trying to cherish the peace and quiet but I know before long the madness will start again. These peaceful moments remind me how there is more to life besides accomplishment. They remind me how there is beauty in simplicity and joy in absolutely nothing.

Surgery

"Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures."

The month long internal medicine rotation once again reaffirmed that I am not meant for clinical practice. My place is in the OR where there is peace and I can hear myself think. I see so many parallels between surgery and life. How you win some and how you lose some. How nothing is perfect in a surgery, but a life will go on. Unless if it doesn't. But then again, death is just part of life. Life is filled with decisions, so just make them or live with the regret of not making them. We are all going to die, so make the best of it, with each surgery, with each day. And remember to breathe... 

This was my first time seeing a thoracotomy, a perfect preparation for the cardiothoracic surgeries up in Davis in February. Also my first hemilaminectomies, which I got to see several times and became comfortable with. Neuro should be very interesting in Vancouver in October. Very much looking forward to meeting the neurosurgeon up there! 

With all that is lined up, I am excited but also saddened that I am back to being my lonely self. There was a moment, a glimpse of partnership, but then it faded. Soon enough this wound will fade into a scar, and so it goes.

Heartbreak

This is for when you feel torment inside. For when your heart is ripped from your rib cage. Sit and feel the tears welling up in your eyes. The pain will pass, it always does. No, life is not fair, but it is beautiful. This will make you stronger and after you heal, you will approach life with zeal again. I know right now it feels like the end. But look at it like a new beginning. Feel, feel, feel. Don't run from the tornado brewing inside. It will settle. Just breathe and take it moment by moment.

Inbetween

Pathology is defined as the study of disease usually based on the analysis of tissues, organs or the body. So essentially it is the study of disease based on the dead. A very morbid topic and one not many would want to tackle. However I feel that it is a necessary subject area since life and death are so finely intertwined.

Disease is what often causes death. Sometimes it can be acute but in the modern age and when looking at humans it is often chronic. When a diagnosis is beseeched upon someone we are often at a loss. However we often forget that we are always dying. So much so that we forget to live. Our lives can often be lost in meaningless drivel, spent doing useless tasks that have little purpose.

However meaning can be found in the littlest of things. In fact sometimes its the littlest of actions that have the biggest consequences. Seek meaning in what you do. Do not let your life become diseased. Make the most of it because before you know, it may be over.