Love

"Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble, and there is always time"

One of my absolute favorite quotes.

Think

Do you know who you are?
Do you know what has happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?

"All it takes is one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever.

It can change your perspective, color of your thinking.
One moment that forces you to rethink everything you know."

As the end of this month approaches, I am forced to re-evaluate my perspective. It was a month of harrowing surgeries that made me think differently about medicine and patient care. Everything from a huge thymoma on a sweet tail-wagging Labrador (pre- and post- op) to a hemangiosarcoma that had no saving.

It was both beautiful and weary. Now I am off to a "safer" side of medicine, one where there are fewer feelings involved and one where I can comfortably run off to recuperate in.

This month also beat me up in other ways. I am still waiting for a response to the residency but I am not quite so sure anymore. I honestly thought I was the best fit for the position and the strongest candidate. Rejection sucks and I am not used to it. I really hope two months of cardiothoracic surgery will take my mind off of it and allow me to find my place again.

I feel lost and out of control right now. Definitely not in the happiest place but as usual I know all things come and they go. I am thankful I have my health, family (close as they may be), and that my dog is healthy!

Onwards

The end of this year is fast approaching and it has been a year of adventure, growth, and change. I hope that the next year will continue as such. I am looking forward to all that it continues to bring. Cautious optimism.

While it is good to look forward to things, there is always the joy of the journey.  While in Australia I got extremely homesick and started yearning coming back to California. This depleted the pleasure of the moment and thankfully I was able to realize that. All it took was a conscious change in attitude, a reframing of the mind, so to speak. This can be done in any circumstance where there is suffering. Realize that you are suffering. Source out a why behind the suffering. There may often not even be a why behind the suffering, but the validation alone is often enough. Then change your perspective.

If you cannot change the circumstance, you can change how you think about it.

Dangerous Love

This past weekend has been spent surrounded by very inspiring individuals. Makers, do-ers, discoverers, searchers. And yet all so humble. I suppose that is what drives the medical profession, or scientists in general. We are usually never satisfied.

Right now I am frustrated at myself with my lack of motivation and inspiration. With my lack of purpose. It feels pointless and frustrating to live like this. A life with purpose is everything. Find purpose and you have everything. Purpose can always change. But to live without it is meaningless. It is a waste.

I know that I will find purpose again, however, right now I am in limbo. I know that I should be studying for the NAVLE, which I am. But that is purpose in itself. There is no passion behind it. Purpose should be self-driven. You cannot help but think about it. You cannot help but obsess about it. I want to find that something again. My dangerous love, where are you??

Want

For some reason, lately I've been seeing wanting as weakness. To want something too much puts excessive expectation into the matter. Hope for a job, a relationship, or any other result can often lead to disappointment. But harboring too much non-attachment is also no way to live. A balance should be sought and letting go should be practiced. However establishing and adjusting that balanced tightrope walk can be truly difficult. When do you know when to let go or when to hold on a little more? When does wanting something become harmful instead of uplifting?

Breathe

Ah to breathe again is a blessing. I am trying to cleanse myself from the misdeeds of the summer, from all that was seen, from all that was lost. A time to process, meditate and let the dust settle before life sends me on another run. I see now how life comes in waves. At moments they engulf me to the point where I feel that I cannot swim and will surely drown. However it always settles, and I come up for more air. Right now I am trying to cherish the peace and quiet but I know before long the madness will start again. These peaceful moments remind me how there is more to life besides accomplishment. They remind me how there is beauty in simplicity and joy in absolutely nothing.

Surgery

"Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures."

The month long internal medicine rotation once again reaffirmed that I am not meant for clinical practice. My place is in the OR where there is peace and I can hear myself think. I see so many parallels between surgery and life. How you win some and how you lose some. How nothing is perfect in a surgery, but a life will go on. Unless if it doesn't. But then again, death is just part of life. Life is filled with decisions, so just make them or live with the regret of not making them. We are all going to die, so make the best of it, with each surgery, with each day. And remember to breathe... 

This was my first time seeing a thoracotomy, a perfect preparation for the cardiothoracic surgeries up in Davis in February. Also my first hemilaminectomies, which I got to see several times and became comfortable with. Neuro should be very interesting in Vancouver in October. Very much looking forward to meeting the neurosurgeon up there! 

With all that is lined up, I am excited but also saddened that I am back to being my lonely self. There was a moment, a glimpse of partnership, but then it faded. Soon enough this wound will fade into a scar, and so it goes.