One Year Later

 Its almost one year since I've written. I feel that I have now made peace or perhaps subsided with how things are. I've realized that anger and the subsequent sadness that had followed does not make for a very productive end nor does it change the circumstance. Despite knowing the truth I can and will continue to make changes where I can. The world does not need to harden me and that is what truly matters.

Guilt

 Its been a whole year since I've written. I have less than a year til I am done with the residency. I feel like my perspective has shifted since starting. From optimist to realist, or perhaps just a jaded burnout. These last two years have been an utter whirlwind. So much has happened and I feel empty. 

A reflection on the two years makes me want to both clam up and scream out. I know I need to remain mature and professional but the injustice pushes me to write. I am tired of shutting myself off, of not feeling, not speaking of how I truly think. I feel like a murderer. I did not go into this profession to kill, but rather to save. I am now a hypocrite. My values are completely misaligned.  I do not believe in what I preach nor do. These lives are just a cog in the machine and I alongside it all. The science is mainly pointless. Just hullabaloo that is hyped up. Don't get me wrong, occasionally there will be that miracle find. But for the most part, I wonder WHY! The inefficiency, the suffering, the lives. But people need jobs, capitalism doesn't end, the machine must keep on spinning, and I am in the middle of it now.

The Way We Get By

I know I'm supposed to be strong. Remain positive. But oh boy do the tears well up so easily and I'm not even sure why. Perhaps I'm tired. But I slept 16 hours this past Saturday. Perhaps I'm stressed. But I feel like all my care has disappeared. My heart feels heavy, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe, I'll get over it. Maybe, maybe. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

31.

Last Monday was my birthday. The questions that arose when faced with the passing of time made me take a step back and reflect. Is this what I want? How am I doing? Really? What do I want to keep and change?
This year has been intense. Starting my dream residency in beautiful San Diego. Creating a home. A new relationship. A wonderful relationship. Working with a new team and new species. So much learning. Not just medicine, but personally and professionally.
But is this what I want? Externally life may seem together, perhaps often precariously balanced. Internally I am still battling the same fights. Constantly fighting to improve my confidence and self-esteem. Never feeling good enough.

So how am I doing? Stressed, tired, anxious, sometimes depressed. But that internal fire to keep going has never burned out. Really? But really... sometimes I get overwhelmed and its all too much, especially during a pandemic and during a time of such turmoil. So then I seek solace and temporary relief in reflection, and then get right back to the grind.

And what do I want to keep? I want to keep my tenacity, my strength, resilience. And change? In the next year I would like to develop a habit for more pauses before action. Be less reflexive. Not allow my emotions to consume me. And take the time to value the good in my life such as family and friends.

Heres to another year spinning around this earth.

The Art of Science

My wildest dreams have come true. I was accepted to the position of my dreams in San Diego as a Laboratory Animal Medicine Resident. The first two months have been quite trying. But also incredibly fun. I love what I am doing but constantly worrying about my decisions. Medicine, like life, is not black and white. There is an art to it with an infinitesimal amount of variables to take into consideration. Sometimes what it comes down to is faith. There is great difficulty in this. When I do not achieve the expected result after hours of work, hope, and prayers for the best outcome I feel frustrated and crushed.

My faith is shaken. In myself, in medicine, in science, even in the process of effort.

"Eloi, eloi, lama sabashtthani" is a saying by Jesus at the ninth hour of the cross. It means "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me". It is an utterance of abandonment. Of hopelessness. These are common feelings when things don't go according to plan even when the best intentions were set. Its easy to lose motivation and to keep going at that point.

Residency will definitely push me to find enough inspiration to keep motivation to push on during difficult times, but not so much that I am perpetually burned. The reminder I willl set is that the faith is always there, sometimes I may just need to take a step back, re-charge, and continue on. 

75 Days Left.

What a journey this internship has been. It has pushed me to be more empathetic, be less reactive, and continued to make me more humble. But with each gain, did I lose something? Perhaps now I smile less, am more cynical, and am slightly more blatant. I have one more year of experience, one more year of laughs and tears, and one more year of wonderful friendships with new memories made.

But from that I tend to reflect on what else I could have done with that time. What if my journey had diverged else where? What if I had made other decisions? What if I wasn't where I am? What if I wasn't who I am doing what I am? All hypothetical. A mind game of looking back into the past. A reflection. The ripples have already dispersed.

I suppose this meditation is not on what was but where I am now. A reminder to come back to the present. A reminder to not live in the yesterday. To embrace the today and all that it brings.

One Month In

Each day I look at my failures, my mistakes, my difficulties and I feel regression. However, in the sum of things, there is progress. It is good to take a step back and observe the overarching direction, to see whether your efforts are going to fruition or if you need to reassess and try a different approach. It is never too late to turn things in a different direction since progress is not linear. Progress to me has always been intuitive, it has melded to whatever life throws at me at that moment. This last week was certainly difficult with the addition of added stressors. Some of which I chose to take on, so that is somewhat a downfall of mine. Taking on too much while expecting not to crumble. But with a step back, a breath, some time to myself, a moment to re-assess I know that it will all be ok. 

[Stelvio Pass, Swiss -> Italy]