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Sleepless... Part 2

One of those sleepless nights has brought me here. Pondering about relationships, school, the future, and the unanswerable questions. All of it just churns around without conclusion. There is no one concrete issue bothering me. I suppose general uncertainty and fear are what unifies all these topics.

We wish we had the answers, some assurance of what is going to happen in our lives. Or even confidence that what we are currently doing is worthwhile. However life is not like that. These black and white polarizing sides that we try to side with are the furthest thing from reality. Life is shade of grays, constantly changing without definitive answers to any of it. Maybe these are all just nihlistic delusions and a mechanism of coping. But thats the way I chose to get by right now...

Breathe

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Ah to breathe again is a blessing. I am trying to cleanse myself from the misdeeds of the summer, from all that was seen, from all that was lost. A time to process, meditate and let the dust settle before life sends me on another run. I see now how life comes in waves. At moments they engulf me to the point where I feel that I cannot swim and will surely drown. However it always settles, and I come up for more air. Right now I am trying to cherish the peace and quiet but I know before long the madness will start again. These peaceful moments remind me how there is more to life besides accomplishment. They remind me how there is beauty in simplicity and joy in absolutely nothing.

Surgery

"Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures."

The month long internal medicine rotation once again reaffirmed that I am not meant for clinical practice. My place is in the OR where there is peace and I can hear myself think. I see so many parallels between surgery and life. How you win some and how you lose some. How nothing is perfect in a surgery, but a life will go on. Unless if it doesn't. But then again, death is just part of life. Life is filled with decisions, so just make them or live with the regret of not making them. We are all going to die, so make the best of it, with each surgery, with each day. And remember to breathe... 

This was my first time seeing a thoracotomy, a perfect preparation for the cardiothoracic surgeries up in Davis in February. Also my first hemilaminectomies, which I got to see several times and b…

Heartbreak

This is for when you feel torment inside. For when your heart is ripped from your rib cage. Sit and feel the tears welling up in your eyes. The pain will pass, it always does. No, life is not fair, but it is beautiful. This will make you stronger and after you heal, you will approach life with zeal again. I know right now it feels like the end. But look at it like a new beginning. Feel, feel, feel. Don't run from the tornado brewing inside. It will settle. Just breathe and take it moment by moment.

Inbetween

Pathology is defined as the study of disease usually based on the analysis of tissues, organs or the body. So essentially it is the study of disease based on the dead. A very morbid topic and one not many would want to tackle. However I feel that it is a necessary subject area since life and death are so finely intertwined.

Disease is what often causes death. Sometimes it can be acute but in the modern age and when looking at humans it is often chronic. When a diagnosis is beseeched upon someone we are often at a loss. However we often forget that we are always dying. So much so that we forget to live. Our lives can often be lost in meaningless drivel, spent doing useless tasks that have little purpose.

However meaning can be found in the littlest of things. In fact sometimes its the littlest of actions that have the biggest consequences. Seek meaning in what you do. Do not let your life become diseased. Make the most of it because before you know, it may be over.

Potential Butterfly

These dreams keep haunting me
Mistakes, lost potential
I wake up gasping for air
Grasping at what could have been

Each moment slips by
Time which will never return
A stream, silver drops going by
Gliding through my hand

With each loss
A piece of me is torn off
Taken from my inner depth
Yet I do this to myself?

These masochistic tendencies
Leave me tangled between emotions
I end up in a corner as a curled cocoon
But will I emerge as a butterfly?

Clockwork Heart

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Will I always pendulum?
Will I sway between stillness and furious motion?
Which will sustain me,
which will unsurp the other?
Perhaps I have a clockwork heart.
And I will spend equal time at each,
rocking slowly,
back and forth.

Tyler Knott Gregson