Posts

Showing posts from December, 2015

Where?

Image
The week of finals starts tomorrow. The madness begins...

I am reminiscing of my "what ifs". Had I studied more during this year maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Had I not taken on so many extra curricular activities at the beginning of the year I wouldn't be here. Maybe if I wasn't so self destructive with myself I would be more constructive with my time and flourish. Become my best self that I know that I am able of being...

Clearly I like to beat myself up...

And yet the more I think on my "what if's" the more I dig into that hole.
Obviously it would be nice to be better. To set goals and improve. But I think that with how school goes, especially graduate school, there will always be uncertainty. There will never be moments of satisfaction.

I need to learn to be ok. I need to stand strong in the middle of the wildest tornado. And even if I am getting beat up, yes even if I am doing it to myself, I need to find somewhere to come back to.

I am looki…

Step One

I know that feeling. You have to do something. You have to change something radically, because you can’t stay like you are for another second, or you’re going to explode.
-Jennifer Echols
Its exam time and I should be spending my time studying or sleeping or doing anything else except this but I have itching to let my feelings flow.


I am struggling with just being. I constantly feel my heart pull this way and that. Its frustrating and I admit I've been out of practice catching myself. I've been giving in to my every whim. No thought or very little of it behind my actions. Now that I am trying to give my mind a little more room its a little disheartening. I see myself trying to bury pain with things or people or activities. And I know these can be good things but there is a constant flurry of activity just trying to prevent myself from thinking. Trying to prevent myself from feeling. There is no internal peace that I can come back to rest on. There is no ground for everything to…