Friday, December 4, 2015

Step One

I know that feeling. You have to do something. You have to change something radically, because you can’t stay like you are for another second, or you’re going to explode.
-Jennifer Echols

Its exam time and I should be spending my time studying or sleeping or doing anything else except this but I have itching to let my feelings flow.

I am struggling with just being. I constantly feel my heart pull this way and that. Its frustrating and I admit I've been out of practice catching myself. I've been giving in to my every whim. No thought or very little of it behind my actions. Now that I am trying to give my mind a little more room its a little disheartening. I see myself trying to bury pain with things or people or activities. And I know these can be good things but there is a constant flurry of activity just trying to prevent myself from thinking. Trying to prevent myself from feeling. There is no internal peace that I can come back to rest on. There is no ground for everything to stand on. Which is why everything always comes crumbling down. 

I am not sure what I am trying to say here. Maybe that I want to find solid footing again. I don't know how to begin or if I will. Maybe this is the first step.  

One Month In

Each day I look at my failures, my mistakes, my difficulties and I feel regression. However, in the sum of things, there is progress. It is ...