Its been a whole year since I've written. I have less than a year til I am done with the residency. I feel like my perspective has shifted since starting. From optimist to realist, or perhaps just a jaded burnout. These last two years have been an utter whirlwind. So much has happened and I feel empty.
A reflection on the two years makes me want to both clam up and scream out. I know I need to remain mature and professional but the injustice pushes me to write. I am tired of shutting myself off, of not feeling, not speaking of how I truly think. I feel like a murderer. I did not go into this profession to kill, but rather to save. I am now a hypocrite. My values are completely misaligned. I do not believe in what I preach nor do. These lives are just a cog in the machine and I alongside it all. The science is mainly pointless. Just hullabaloo that is hyped up. Don't get me wrong, occasionally there will be that miracle find. But for the most part, I wonder WHY! The inefficiency, the suffering, the lives. But people need jobs, capitalism doesn't end, the machine must keep on spinning, and I am in the middle of it now.
