Breathe

Ah to breathe again is a blessing. I am trying to cleanse myself from the misdeeds of the summer, from all that was seen, from all that was lost. A time to process, meditate and let the dust settle before life sends me on another run. I see now how life comes in waves. At moments they engulf me to the point where I feel that I cannot swim and will surely drown. However it always settles, and I come up for more air. Right now I am trying to cherish the peace and quiet but I know before long the madness will start again. These peaceful moments remind me how there is more to life besides accomplishment. They remind me how there is beauty in simplicity and joy in absolutely nothing.

Surgery

"Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures."

The month long internal medicine rotation once again reaffirmed that I am not meant for clinical practice. My place is in the OR where there is peace and I can hear myself think. I see so many parallels between surgery and life. How you win some and how you lose some. How nothing is perfect in a surgery, but a life will go on. Unless if it doesn't. But then again, death is just part of life. Life is filled with decisions, so just make them or live with the regret of not making them. We are all going to die, so make the best of it, with each surgery, with each day. And remember to breathe... 

This was my first time seeing a thoracotomy, a perfect preparation for the cardiothoracic surgeries up in Davis in February. Also my first hemilaminectomies, which I got to see several times and became comfortable with. Neuro should be very interesting in Vancouver in October. Very much looking forward to meeting the neurosurgeon up there! 

With all that is lined up, I am excited but also saddened that I am back to being my lonely self. There was a moment, a glimpse of partnership, but then it faded. Soon enough this wound will fade into a scar, and so it goes.