Showing posts from September, 2017

Sleepless... Part 2

One of those sleepless nights has brought me here. Pondering about relationships, school, the future, and the unanswerable questions. All of it just churns around without conclusion. There is no one concrete issue bothering me. I suppose general uncertainty and fear are what unifies all these topics.

We wish we had the answers, some assurance of what is going to happen in our lives. Or even confidence that what we are currently doing is worthwhile. However life is not like that. These black and white polarizing sides that we try to side with are the furthest thing from reality. Life is shades of gray, constantly changing without definitive answers to any of it. Maybe these are all just nihlistic delusions and a mechanism of coping. But thats the way I chose to get by right now...


Ah to breathe again is a blessing. I am trying to cleanse myself from the misdeeds of the summer, from all that was seen, from all that was lost. A time to process, meditate and let the dust settle before life sends me on another run. I see now how life comes in waves. At moments they engulf me to the point where I feel that I cannot swim and will surely drown. However it always settles, and I come up for more air. Right now I am trying to cherish the peace and quiet but I know before long the madness will start again. These peaceful moments remind me how there is more to life besides accomplishment. They remind me how there is beauty in simplicity and joy in absolutely nothing.


"Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures."

The month long internal medicine rotation once again reaffirmed that I am not meant for clinical practice. My place is in the OR where there is peace and I can hear myself think. I see so many parallels between surgery and life. How you win some and how you lose some. How nothing is perfect in a surgery, but a life will go on. Unless if it doesn't. But then again, death is just part of life. Life is filled with decisions, so just make them or live with the regret of not making them. We are all going to die, so make the best of it, with each surgery, with each day. And remember to breathe... 

This was my first time seeing a thoracotomy, a perfect preparation for the cardiothoracic surgeries up in Davis in February. Also my first hemilaminectomies, which I got to see several times and b…